


Todd and The Neil Feelings

by skyscrap_er



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 20:23:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15781455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyscrap_er/pseuds/skyscrap_er
Summary: Todd's not supposed to like him this way, he knows that much. But most of the time he gets lost in the boy anyways, it's a bit hard to abide by the rules when they tell you to stay away from someone like Neil Perry. Neil's just as awkward. It's great. They're having a ball.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> an Old Fanfic from the Dark Ages. I still love my boys , I just don't know when the next time I'll update past my prewritten material will be ;)

Todd could feel the bile in his throat and thumping behind his eyes. After months of burying the matter under piles of 'oh this is just a friend thing', he was finally ready to begin picking apart his predicament. He would first chip off the hard exo-skeleton, the layer that told him that he's never had a friend like Neil before and perhaps this was just how good friends make you feel. He knew he couldn't make a cave out of this reasoning and hide away in it anymore. He KNEW that the chugging of his heart ran on rails that travelled further than that.

Next was the smooth, malleable skin that insisted that even if he was having feelings like this, chances were it was a phase and it would pass. It certainly drew parallels with what his parents had always told him. Todd is shy in class? He'll get over it soon. Our son is only in the top five of his year level? That certainly won't last forever. He has no interest in girls? Our boy will soon work through it.

Todd deflated a bit, he was never good at lying to himself. By blaming All This on a phase would be agreeing with his family, and he knew his family wasn't right. His flaws weren't shirts that he would simply grow out of come the time to enter adulthood. Todd Anderson was human and humans have flaws. The revelation made him feel his stomach acid move up his oesophagus. If it wasn't a phase then what in the fucking world was it?

Now he was looking at the gooey red insides of it. The helter-skelter organs that beat as one and oozed distasteful fluids. Covered in angry veins that threatened to burst but never did, the innards pumped through his veins with every thump what he knew was the truth. It resonated with Todd in ways his millions of excuses never could. He had heard the rest of the boys talk about their latest (most definitely fictional) conquests or about that certain girl who made their chest squeeze in on itself or their pants tighten and he understood the feeling much to his dismay. Charlie and Knox especially were fantastic at illustrating the sensations that Todd felt whenever he came into contact with Neil.

The gross vital organs of All This were telling him that he had indeed watched Neil Perry, his best friend and roommate, masturbate in the communal showers and had become painfully erect because of it. During dinner, when the bathroom was supposed to be mercifully empty, he had entered with his towel slung over his shoulder only to hear the soft spray of a shower head. Supposing that this boy had had the same idea as him, Todd had shrugged it off and continued on his journey towards the very end showed, the one that had unofficially become his and, upon his nearing of said shower, was the stranger's for the time being. Todd stopped at the third stall and dropped his belongings on the bench in front of it, there was no point working up a temper because someone had the same taste in shower as you. As soon as his boxers had joined the rest of his clothes on the bench, however, he heard something that froze his being to the very core.

Though he hated to put it to his imagination (see, it would mean that he had a very questionable and decidedly immoral imagination), there was absolutely no way that the noise he had heard just then was Neil. It had been a stifled grunt, cutting through the rhythmic thrum of the water with perfect audibility. If it had been any other sound or come from anyone other than Neil, Todd would not have heard it and he knew this. He had replayed this one sound too many times in his head to not recognise it. The grunt that had escaped his lips not even a month ago that one bitter-cold night during the witching hours, when Todd was too stressed to sleep because of his presentation the next day and Neil had decided he needed a way to let off sexual steam. It had been quiet and strained, but the former heard it and it was all he could think about (and still is). During class, he explored the idea of what his best friend would sound like had he not needed to lower his voice, what expression his face would paint, what he looked like under those bed sheets. It felt wrong to think so deeply about a sound he was not supposed to have heard, but it also made everything all the more erotic. Neil was hiding it from him, pleasuring himself right next to a roommate who was presumably out cold. It was his dirty little secret.

His feet had moved silently across the bathroom floor towards the last stall before he could stop himself. He didn't know what his objective was, nor did he understand the rising sensation in his chest.

That wasn't Neil.

Neil was probably at dinner.

But you don't that. You never saw him leave for the dining hall. Don't you remember thinking how weird it was that he walked down the stairs instead of through the corridor?

Neil was probably visiting Keating to ask him about his essay. Didn't he say he had a few questions?

No he didn't.

Why would he be showering now? He only showered in the evenings.

The excuses he made for himself did not stop the constant process of one foot in front of the other, working their way towards the stall that he knew Neil most definitely wasn't in.

He heard another grunt, louder and fuller this time. His efforts to convince himself that that was not his room

mate were dampened considerably. Still, they arose from the pit of excuses Todd had accumulated over the years even as his hand reached the stall wall. Behind this thin layer of wood was absolutely not Neil Perry masturbating under the running water, Todd told himself. He balled the hand pressed against the wall into a fist hard enough so that his entire arm shook. From here, he could hear the rhythmic wet slap of hand against genital. With each thrust of cock into fist, the blonde could feel the twitching in his pants become more aggressive (is that how a normal teenage boy would describe it? Todd didn't know. He had never felt this aroused before). From the shower stall next door, he could hear the pumping become more drawn out, Neil was slowing down and probably on his way up towards his climax. There was a long sensual moan, guttural and muffled yet so unbelievably hot in Todd's ears. He seemed to have gained selective hearing that picked up on only the sounds Neil made.

Without thinking of the consequences nor the possibility that Neil would probably notice him, the blonde had chanced a peek at his best friend's athletic form. Neil was facing him straight on, wiry frame limp against the bathroom wall and head titled upward to meet the shower's spray. His body looked completely relaxed except for the left arm that worked hard at stroking himself. Todd almost jumped back in shame to have been caught so easily when he realised, with a huge gust of relief, that his eyes were closed. Now this bade the question, who did his roommate think about when pleasuring himself so passionately? That, for some reason, put a familiar weight in Todd's stomach. He knew what that weight meant but why was it there? Why, heaven forbid, was he feeling disappointed at a time like this? He swept it under the rug along with the other Neil Feelings and told himself he would deal with this later.

Soon enough, the taller boy stopped working his palm up and down altogether and moved up to play with the top. He was breathing deeply, pale chest heaving and shoulders rising. With one last unconcealed moan, Todd heard the squirting that told him it was over. Neil Perry had just come into his hand in a communal bathroom and Todd Anderson had just watched. The severity of what he had just witnessed (and the unfortunate effects it had on the poor boy) dawned on him and he backed away. The boy in the shower was going to open his eyes soon and he was going to see who he thought was his best friend standing in front of him and he was going to realise that he was some sick pervert who had just watched him masturbate and was painfully erect because of it and their relationship would be ruined forever and he would never see the soft smiles on Neil's lips or the way his eyes creased and twinkled when he grinned ever again because-

Todd backed away and ran back to their shared room, leaving behind his clothes, toiletries, towel and a piece of his sanity. Never before had he hated himself more...except maybe when he took care of the tenting in his pants straight after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM is very welcome


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an even more awkward situation, if you can believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading back on this, I REALISE HOW PAINFUL I MADE THIS SITUATION

Todd had just come to terms with the gooey innards of his predicament, perhaps he really was such a disgusting human being. They would throw him in jail because of this. His family would disown him. His friends would hate him. Neil would hate him. He was not about to let that happen. He was on his way to the resolution that he would marry a nice girl and have some nice children and be the man he was supposed to be when his roommate returned. Towel slung low on his hips and hair damp and clinging to his face and the back of his neck, Neil Perry made his grand entrance. In one hand were his own clothes and in the other was what the blonde boy had forgotten to scoop up before scampering out the bathroom in a hormonal frenzy. That was when Todd realised that he had just lost his best friend. The brunette knew that he'd been there and seen him doing his thing. He had foolishly left all the necessary evidence to lead Neil right to him. Now he was coming to confront Todd and nothing would ever be the same between them again.

The bile that had previously worked so hard to ride up his throat finally reached Its destination at this point. Like one of those amusement park activities where you hit the platform with a hammer to see if you could make the bell ring. That day's breakfast and a whole lot of burning stomach acid sped its way up the shorter boy's oesophagus. Neil opened his mouth to say something. Even in Todd's situation, he could see the uncertainty on his face until he was forced to push past the former towards the rubbish bin.

The semi-nude boy had managed only to choke out the first half of his best friend's name before he was interrupted by said best friend's gagging. The rubbish bin was already almost full with Todd's discarded poetry drafts (one of which he had decided he wanted to fish out and edit) which left minimal room for vomit. Through the buzzing of his ears, he felt a hand on the small of his back and a voice murmuring quiet words of consolation. Of course they were from Neil. He would have blocked the soft 'are you alrights' and 'Jesus Christ Todd what did you eats' out if it were anyone but his damp, naked angel (if the blonde was in a right state of mind, he would have been intimidated by his roommate's state of undress and close proximity to him). Neil was leaning over his friend's hunched body, feebly brushing at short strands of hair that didn't need to be brushed back. Todd was still thankful, however, it meant that he could feel the cold fingertips on his temple and cheek and drink in the sensation of the brunette's hands on his face. Anywhere the pads of Neil's fingers touched, the coolness would spread across the expanse of his best friend's skin, lingering for far too long yet fading away all too quickly, like the ripples of water in a pond. He wanted to lean into the light caress so that the hands would cup his cheek entirely, but alas, he was busy emptying the contents of stomach onto his discarded poetry (later he would joke that it was a metaphor for how bad they truly were).

When the retching had dwindled down to mere stomach acid, the uncomfortable thrumming in Todd's head lessened and he could hear perfectly clearly the concern in Neil's voice.

'Geez Todd, what the hell happened...did you eat something funny or-'

The blonde could still feel the hot tears that lined his eyes and swept at them with his sleeve.

'Y-yeah. Sorry. I had something weird at dinner, I knew I shouldn't have taken a tart.'

Neil looks at him with a quizzical expression.

'You weren't at dinner.'

Oh.

'You told us you had calculous homework to finish, remember? Charlie even offered to bring something back up for you.'

'I-I went down to get something just then,' and came back up to take a shower, only to watch you fist your dick like your life depended on it.

'Oh.'

Neil bit his lip, suddenly self-conscious of the fact that the only barrier existing between his upper thigh and Todd's arm was a thin towel. He pulled away and reached up to ruffle his hair only to realise that he was still holding onto his roommate's clothes. The shorter boy followed his gaze and Neil immediately decided that this warranted justification on his part.

'I found it on the bench,' he said, pointedly not looking at Todd or the clothes, 'they weren't there when I came in so I thought that maybe you went into the bathroom and left them there?'

This was nothing like the confrontation Todd had imagined. His mind had instead painted a frightening picture of fists flying and bloody murder. His best friend looked just as, if not more, unsure of himself. It most definitely did not make Todd want to throw himself at the other boy and kiss all his worries away.

'Yeah, I left them there by accident,' he reached over to grab his belongings, 'I was going to take a shower but I-' quick Todd, think! '-realised that wasn't my bedtime shirt.' He wanted to punch himself.

The creases on Neil's face softened and he pulled his mouth into a faint smile. 'You don't have a bedtime shirt.'

Todd could feel the tension in the room lift.

'And how would you know that?'

The brunette turned away, suddenly finding immensely interesting the creamy white wallpaper against his bed frame. Todd wanted to believe that the light pink tinge on his cheeks was not his imagination.

'So you didn't hang around? For long? In the bathroom I mean.'

You'd think an aspiring actor would be better at playing casual.

Realisation dawned on the blonde. His fun-loving, charismatic, affable best friend was trying to work out whether or not Todd had seen him jack off in the shower stall. He was deliciously bashful and vulnerable, a thought that went straight to the former's groin and made him want to caress his friend's face at the same time. It was yet another dirty little secret.

'Oh no. I dumped my stuff and ran out,' Todd gave a nervous little laugh, reprimanding himself for letting his eyes follow the edges and curves of Neil's lean figure all the way down to the trail of pubic hair that travelled beneath his towel. He wanted to trace it with him finger and see where it would take him. 'I forgot my toothbrush. You know me, I'm always really out of it!'

Neil let his face relax and, with an exhale that could move mountains, flopped down onto his roommate's bed, the bed he should most definitely not be touching in such a state of nakedness. Then he suddenly sat up. A look of guilt flashed across his features.

'Uh you should probably rest. I hope you're feeling ok now...it's always good to get the bad shit out of your system.'

Without thinking, Todd walked over to his bed and flopped down next to his best friend. From there, he could smell Neil's shampoo and Neil's body wash and a rich scent of grandeur and homeliness which was just entirely Neil. There was an aura of comfortable silence hanging in the air, a few words exchanged about homework and classes, but any half-assed attempt at making conversation soon died down. After a few minutes of minutes of waging his options out and trying to find the straightest thing to say to his guy friend who had probably watched him get himself off in the bathroom (Todd was a garbage liar and they both knew it), Neil propped himself up on his elbows. The boy next to him turned slightly to look at his roommate, why Todd had previously been so intent on boring holes into the window on the other side of the room he did not know.

Neil cleared his throat and tried to find the best way to phrase what he wanted to say.

What would Charlie do?

'I was just busy jacking off.' He wanted to shoot himself. He had meant for the statement to come out casual and brimming with confidence but his voice was shaky. He made a point to pick at the loose strands of fabric on the towel. The section of towel that covered his crotch. He surreptitiously removed his hand to rest by his side.

Oh boy.

This was going to be a long conversation.

He didn't look up at Todd, he could tell the blonde had gone pink. He always did in situations like this.

Neil summoned the frayed remains of his dignity and acting ability.

'It would've been weird if you walked in on me, right? So I was just checking how long you'd been there.'

The brunette forced himself to turn and grin cheekily at his roommate.

'I like my alone time with my thou-'

The look on Todd's face was not one that he had been anticipating. He was gawking at Neil, eyes blown wide open and mouth hanging unhinged. You would've thought someone had told him his best friend was actually a ghost with the way he was staring. He shook the amusing look off before Neil had a chance to relish it. His face was indeed pink. He wanted to drag his fingertips down the reddening shell of Todd's ear.

Wow that was a creepy thought.

'Are you okay? Shit this is probably a bad time for-' what was this? What would this awkward conversation about masturbation count as? -'guy talk. You're probably still feeling nauseous.' Neil thanked the heavens for his ability to speak succinctly whenever he pleased. He could hide the nervous stutter beneath his tongue, tuck Todd into his bed (he hated himself for the Neil that whispered to him from the deep dark recesses of his mind, 'more like fuck Todd into his bed? Amiright?'), and pretend like this never happened.

The blonde immediately sat bolt upright on the bed. 'You're right. I'm feeling particularly terrible today and I believe I should empty that rubbish bin over there,' he made a feeble gesture towards the corner of the room, 'and then get a good night's rest. I-I'll be right back.'

Todd left the room. He walked through the corridor, down the stairs and out the door. He held the garbage bag of vomit by the neat little bow he had tied at the top at arms length. He was only ten metres away from dumpster when he was ambushed by Knox, Meeks and Charlie. They were returning from dinner. He greeted them in a dazed fashion and continued on his way. It was only when the plastic bag of now-cold vomit was safely buried within the depths of the dumpster that Todd let what had happened sink in. Sliding down against the crumbling brick wall, he allowed himself the solace of running his hands through his hair.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Neil had just admitted to jacking off in the showers.

Todd could feel his heart beat quicken, there was a stampede in his chest. His face was flush with an excitement he could not describe nor categorise, the boy clutched at his shoulders and tried to calm his body. Whenever the blonde searched for a cohesive thought to latch onto, to calm the tornado Neil's word's had unleashed onto his brain, he could only think back to what he had seen in the shower stall. Sweet pink lips parted in the most erotic of ways, brows furrowed and hands grappling for purchase either on his own goods or the wall behind him. He was a sight to behold. Todd pushed the thought forcibly from his mind.

Disgusting.

He was disgusting.

He let one last thought ebb into his brain before closing this Pandora's box for what should have been forever.

Who was he thinking about when he was running his thumb over his slit? Or when he was convulsing with unadulterated pleasure? Who occupied the thoughts that Neil loved so much to be alone with?

With that, Todd pushed off the wall and left to go rinse his mouth. He wanted to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Neil are doing well. I think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they TALK about it

When he returned, Neil was sitting up his bed with a book propped on his knees. He was, Todd noted, mercifully dressed. His roommate looked up sheepishly when he heard the door open. Todd had only been gone five minutes, which meant that in the span of those five minutes Neil had gone about trying to look as unaffected by their earlier exchange as possible. Perhaps it had been a bit counterproductive. He had brushed his teeth, tidied his school books, dressed and opened his novel to a page that he felt would make him seem the most casual in no time at all. Luckily for him, Todd didn't seem to notice. He looked exhausted. Todd offered him a nervous grin and set about getting ready for bed himself.

Undressing in the same room as Neil had always been difficult. It always encouraged an orchestra of thuds in his chest that he was sure the other boy could hear but chose to ignore out of politeness. Usually, Neil would chat effortlessly to him about anything and everything and Todd would listen, quiet and satisfied, and try not to let his mind wander to the curves of muscle beneath the skin of his friend's back. But now, Todd was the only one stripping and Neil seemed occupied with his book. He reached timidly for the buttons on his shirt and began to undo them, slow, steady and much too shakily. The light of the lamp caught both boys' side profiles and invited what Todd thought was a rather sensual aura into the room. He could feel Neil's gaze on him, whether it was the casual flicker of dark brown eyes or the conspicuous stare through his peripherals.

Neil watched his best friend undress with an unholy amount of anticipation. He was going so slowly, as thought purposely teasing an audience. Giving them a show. This is a strip tease, thought Neil grimly. This was what Knox had described to him of the day he watched Chris strip off her clothes to reveal her bathing suit beneath. He realised that would never ever find someone like Chris as desirable as the dorky blue-eyed boy in front of him, down to his second last button and finally (finally) showing some of his pale white chest. The shirt slipped from Todd's shoulders and he realised he was not the only one who had acted counterproductively that day. Determined not to show Neil more than he had to in his quest to undress, Todd had put himself in a position that had blood pumping to Neil's head. He looked like something straight out of a porn magazine. Teasing and mysteriously seductive with his shoulders and half his chest exposed, it left much to the imagination and much to desire. Neil winced. Had he really just thought that? He closed it off from the rest of his mind. He would never let Todd know about how he thought of him during the darkest parts of the night.

Todd began to panic. He didn't want his movements to look unnatural to Neil. His lack of covering had left him feeling vulnerable but there was nothing he could do but stand there and blush. If he pulled the shirt back up to his shoulder he was certain Neil would know he was uncomfortable and then that would most definitely (in a chain of obscure events) lead to him discovering things that ought not to be discovered. Now he could feel Neil's eyes boring holes into him. They followed his every movement. The book lay forgotten beneath his fidgeting fingers. Todd didn't know what to do. How was he supposed to deflect the attention Neil was giving him (obviously because he thought Todd was being weird and being weird only)? The words fell from his mouth like water that had not been swallowed.

'So who do you think about?'

Both boys were taken by surprise at this sudden prompt. Neil's eyes visibly widened. He began to fold the page of his novel with his forefinger and thumb. The expression of raw fright lasted only a fraction of a second before Neil's masterful acting took the reigns.

'What?'

He came out of the womb destined for the stage.

'I-in the shower. You said you liked your time alone with your thoughts so I was just wondering.' Todd's eyes were half-lidded. His lashes framed his eyes exquisitely. Neil noticed the slight upward angle of his chin, the erotic air of his posture. He looked beautiful.

Neil Perry was an actor. He would work his way through this.

'You wouldn't know her. She's an actor.' Neil said. 'She's got a hot body.' He added as an afterthought.

Todd slipped his shirt off his forearms and began working at his belt.

'What does she look like?'

'Long black hair,' what would Knox say? 'It's always beautiful no matter how she ties it.'

Todd was undoing his belt buckle at the same excruciating pace as his shirt buttons.

'She has these huge blue eyes,' shit, he had meant to say green but in that moment all he could think about was swimming in an endless supply of Todd-Blue. 'I could stare at them forever, honestly.'

The belt was off. Todd placed it delicately on his bed and brought his hands back to where his pants sat on his hips, tracing the top of them from his side to the fly.

'She's got a nice pair as well,' that one was something he'd heard Charlie say once, 'plump as hell.' Perhaps if he gave this made up actress enough feminine features it would distance his mind from how good Todd looked half-naked in the low light.

Todd ruffled his hair and then slid his hand down the nape of his neck, what looked like to Neil, in an absent manner. It gave him a masculine yet self-conscious look, a look that was very Todd and absolutely didn't make Neil feel any sorts of weird feelings.

Todd was, in actuality, trying to cover as much of his skin as he could without looking insecure. He felt blessed that the lack of lighting offered a blanket under which his red face hid. He was feeling vulnerable, standing in front of Neil with his shirt off, listening to him talk about how big the tits of some no-name actress were. Todd clenched his fist discreetly behind his neck. Of course, he had seen other boys naked before. He had showered in the same rooms, changed in the same locker rooms. Meeks had a disturbing habit of walking around after a shower with just his shirt on.

Just his shirt.

But Neil, Neil was a little bit different. He hadn't always been. At the beginning of the year when he was just another friendly face, Todd had been fine with Neil going about his business in various states of undress. But after they had become closer, that friendly face (and body) began to infiltrate his meandering thoughts and dreams. It had since then become taboo in Todd's mind to stare at this boy for too long. Even his wide brown eyes and lopsided grin were dangerous. Nevertheless, he continued to associate himself with the boy. He couldn't deny that Neil's company was the best he'd ever experienced. He couldn't deny the butterflies in his stomach whenever Neil chose to mindlessly rest shoulder to shoulder against Todd or scoop the other boy up in a passionate bear hug. Neil was going to be the death of him.

Todd swallowed down a weird feeling in his throat. This actor seemed interesting. She was probably pure talent, beauty and grace to have caught Neil's attention.

'She sounds pretty cool, are there any movies of her's that I would know of?'

'She's more a family friend. A budding talent in the industry. She's only had minor roles so far but I can feel it, she's going to make it big some day.'

Todd felt a weight culminate in the pit of his stomach as he settled into his blankets. Neil's eyes had not left him for the past few minutes.

'She must be a nice girl then. I'm glad you finally found someone to like, I was beginning to think you were celibate or something.' Todd added in a light chuckle for good measure.

Neil brought his gaze down to his hands, breaking what had seemed like eternal eye contact between them. He grinned earnestly at his hands.

'You could say that. She's a wonderful person. Very timid at times but she'd blow you away with the thoughts on her mind and the shit she can write,' Neil realised far too late that modelling this Person Who Was Not Todd off of Todd was a bad idea, 'and boy can she write. She could pick up a career in multiple fields now that I think about it.'

Todd was twisting the corners of his pillow beneath the blanket. This girl sounded amazing. Far better than himself at least. He turned to face the wall. Todd was feeling bitter for no plausible reason at all and Neil was the only person he could project his frustration at.

The words slipped off his tongue like venom before he could seal his lips and melt the key.

'She must get you really hot and bothered huh. Is she who you think about it class when you're pretending to pay attention?'

Todd had seen the glint in Neil's eyes on the days when classes ploughed through the hours like exhausted cattle. He was never listening to anything anyone said when he had his cheek in his palm, his gaze meeting only the trees beyond the courtyard. It was always an expression of contentment that radiated a sense of suppressed exuberance. Todd had always just put it to boyish daydreaming, perhaps Neil saw himself on stage delivering lines with his inborn gusto during such episodes. It was only when Todd began to realise that the matters he thought about in his own states of languid contemplation were not his future aspirations. Instead, he found his attention being drawn to how Neil scrunched his eyebrows or nipped the end of his pencil, how he would massage his hand after copying down notes, how his lips would twitch upward when he glanced over at Todd and caught him staring.

He knew now that Neil had been thinking (most likely impure thoughts) about this actress.

Neil shifted his gaze, and then his body, noticeably uncomfortable.

'Yeah. You could definitely say that.'

The conversation was over.

At the points in the night when he allowed his mind the sinful solace that was Todd, he really did get 'hot and bothered'. Sometimes his thoughts were tame, a bitter cold winter evening with the boy curled up in his arms perhaps. Other times, he saw a pale, writhing torso and Todd's eyes half lidded, seductive and inviting. His face would be tinted pink, as would the lining of his stomach, and Neil would trace kisses down his milky collar bone to his belly button. He would drink in the heavy breathing and mewls from below him and nip carefully at the reddened skin. After indulging in such fantasies he would always feel a wave of hot shame, dousing him with the realisation that he was disgusting. Sometimes he would wrap his arms around himself, his hands would not be at his shoulders to comfort, however. No, they were there to press nails into the skin and draw blood. Neil just needed a way to punish himself. He needed a way to feel pain, a way to apologise to his best friend for tainting him.

At times when he was feeling particularly desperate he would shake.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

He was so so bad for the blonde boy with the nervous smiles and the soft voice.

Neil didn't know what he was capable of. He wanted to thumb his roommate's bottom lip, trail his fingers down the pale column of his throat and rub his hands up and down his waist.

He knew better than anyone that he needed to stay away.

He knew better than anyone that he couldn't.

All Neil needed to convince him that he wouldn't be able to function without Todd was a stumbling over words or perhaps a self conscious rub of the neck that he was wont to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a very obese misunderstanding occurred.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys hug it out pt 1

That night, Todd watched the irregular up and down of Neil's chest as he slept.

He never looked peaceful when he was asleep.

Usually there would always be something he had to do late into the night, whether it be finishing off his latest novel or memorising notes. An excuse to not have to turn in.

Usually Todd would remain awake with him, the watery lamp light dancing on his eyelids and his ears tuned to the Neil's rhythmic breathing. Others, he would allow the other boy the awareness that he was conscious. On those nights he would look for some work to do, sometimes he would pretend he hadn't finished his calculus homework. There would be rude comments thrown around about the teachers, brief recaps of the day's events and that smile. If anyone asked Todd why he did it, he would say because he actually had work to do. If they kept pushing it, because he wanted to keep Neil company. While the latter was true, he would never confide to anyone, not Charlie, not Meeks, not Cameron, and definitely not Neil, that the biggest reason he stayed up late enough to watch the sun rise some nights was to see that smile. Todd would've liked to think that he was at times the instigator of that smile. That thought made his heart swell.

'Hey, are you awake?' Todd had a newfound confidence bubbling in his chest.

Neil made a scene of turning over to face him.

'I am now, what's up?' He had been awake the entire time, grappling with his embarrassment and various other obscure emotions.

'You just...you just toss and turn a lot when you sleep, if you sleep.' Todd thought that sounded rather lame.

Neil could hear his roommate's smile in the darkness, the unsure readjustment of lip on lip.

Neil could feel himself smile.

'Yeah, I definitely do. I'm just not used to sleeping for too long you know?'

'Well me neither, I stay up with you-' was that a bad choice of words? Probably. ' -a lot remember? I don't twist and turn though.'

'Oh, I hadn't noticed.' Neil had most definitely noticed. 'I get bad dreams sometimes.' All the time.

'Like nightmares?'

'Nah don't say it like that. They aren't really nightmare nightmares. They don't...they don't scare me,' they terrified him, 'they just make me profoundly uncomfortable.' That too.

'I get nightmares too.' Todd offered. 'They're usually about huge bulbous monsters with exoskeletons that bury me in a hole.'

Neil raised himself up onto his elbows to stare at the Todd-like shape across from him.

'Todd that sounds terrifying! My dreams don't even hold a candle to yours. Mine are so...so boring.'

He thought back to the dream he had a night ago. He thought about the bitter cold wind tearing at his chest and a crown of thorns wedged onto his head (into his skin). He thought about his mother screaming and Todd screaming and his father yelling. The dream drained the blood from his face. It definitely was a nightmare. It was a slow, gut-wrenching melting pot of Neil's fears. There was no adrenaline or frenzy of terror, just the slow, constant build to a climax that never really came. It was like the continuous drip-drip of a broken tap, unfixable, frustrating and lacking any real substance. Ideas meandered through the crevices of his dreams so thinly that he could never tell how they fitted altogether, not exactly anyways. He could grasp the gist of it, he knew at the back of his mind what his dreams were about, but the details were fuzzy. Nevertheless, it seemed his father ruled his dreams as well as his waking life with an iron fist. A fist with a grasp so strong no matter how hard Neil wriggled, he would never be able to worm his way out. Not even in a state of unconsciousness. In fact, it was worse sometimes.

Todd shook his head, half his faces buried in the pillow.

'Tell me about them.' Todd said quietly, in a voice almost as low as a whisper. It was a very personal request he realised. 'Please.' He added, when the silence stretched indefinitely.

'Todd...they're really boring and they don't make much se-'

'Am I in them?'

Neil sucked in a breath and turned onto his side. He could see the shadows on Todd's face now that his eyes had adjusted. He felt unsafe in a bed that all of a sudden seemed too big, lying tangled in a blanket that all of a sudden seemed too suffocating. His best friend was too far away, just a figure in the distance. Neil had this sinking feeling that if he tried to close the gap, the carpet would only stretch beneath his feet. At 10:46 pm on that day, Neil Perry felt more isolated than ever. Todd Anderson was even more unattainable than before.

'You know you can talk to me about it right?' Todd's voice was soft, a confident sort of soft that Neil didn't hear often.

'I know. Yeah, you're in them sometimes. All the time actually. Sometimes the other boys are there, sometimes they're not. One night it'll be Charlie and Cameron and the next it'll be Knox and Meeks, but you're always there. Always. With my mother and father.' Neil smiled grimly.

'What am I doing in them? Am I...' Todd hesitated. 'Dying?'

'No, you're screaming. You're watching someone else die.'

Neil steeled himself. Maybe he had already revealed too much. Maybe now that Todd knew how deep and dark the recesses of his mind were he would turn his back. There was a pregnant pause, silence hung in the air like smog.

'Is that someone else you?' Todd was breathing deeply. He was gripping onto his blanket with all his might and twisting it. Twisting it until his spent strength would let him twist no more.

'Yes.'

Todd threw back the blanket and got to his feet. His body moved automatically, as if he were a machine fuelled by various states of Neil. This was a brand new function. An upgrade installed at that very moment.

Neil watched him cross the room dazedly. Subconsciously, he knew what was going on, but still liked to fling around the lingering doubts to disappoint himself. He moved back instinctually when Todd lifted his blanket.

He was getting closer.

Neil didn't need to close the gap by himself.

A flower of emotion sprouted in his chest, an emotion that made him want to cry and laugh and kiss something (preferably Todd).

Hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder with Neil, Todd began to realise the flaws in his plan.

Oh no.

Neil definitely thought he was weird. He probably hadn't expected this. What kind of person crawls into another's bed just like that? What could he do to play this off? What in the world could he say to justify this unjustifiable action? He had fucked himself over big time.

His heart thud in his chest loud enough to (or so it seemed) vibrate the bed beneath him and shake Neil. Todd saw, much to his dismay, that forfeiting halfway would look even worse. Maybe he could still pass it off as a simple gesture of fraternal support. He almost laughed at that thought. Long ago had he decided that his Neil Feelings were not fraternal. No normal person watched their brother masturbate and thought about how beautiful his bare form was or how ethereal the shower mist made him look. He shuddered.

Neil, however, recognised none of the signs of Todd's inner turmoil. He was struggling with his own body temperature instead. What ever happened to homeostasis? Perhaps he was broken. Yeah, that sounded right. Now he could shelve away the weird desire to touch Todd's face and brush away Todd's hair and stare at Todd forever along with the various other things that would come under being broken. He was just wired wrong. Still, he rolled onto his side to drink in the sight of the boy. Neil's chest was touching the blonde's shoulder, their heads only inches apart. He was sure that Todd could feel Neil's warm breath on his neck.

Neil exhaled, grinning into Todd's shoulder.

'Is this supposed to make me feel better?' He asked jokingly.

'W-well...yes. Yes it i-' Todd backtracked, '-f it's making you uh u-uncomfortable I could, could leave. You know, that's probably a good idea I'll just-'

Neil pressed his chest into Todd's side, and when he thought that that wasn't enough, gripped his elbow with both hands. It was never good to lose your torch in a pitch black forest. Todd, forever radiating light and warmth, probably wouldn't like being called a torch, Neil thought to himself. The image of his face scrunched up in profound confusion made the brunet smile.

'No! I mean- I was just kidding you don't have to go. I mean stay. The bed's a little small but it'll be...' frustrating to be in such close proximity but not being able to touch you '...warmer.'

Now Todd turned, stunned by his best friend's words. The thudding of his chest settled, he was shedding the fear that had once wrapped itself around his heart.

'As long as it makes you sleep a bit better.' And Todd meant it.

Neil surreptitiously leaned into his roommate's warmth, breathing in the scent of his hair, his skin, his clothes. He wanted to remember every soft curve and sharp edge of Todd's body. He wanted to mould himself into a shape that would slot perfectly in beside the boy with the watery blue eyes and dirty blonde hair.

Todd was too busy thinking about how perfectly the boy with the shining eyes and toothy grin slot in beside him to notice the sudden calmness in the air. It was like the constant hum of a machine had finally been put to a rest.

Neil was already dreaming about summer days and Todd Blue skies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not the end of the hugging


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a near-miss erection. thank the gods, neil. thank the gods.

There was a lot of sky, Neil noticed, tucked into the folds of his mind. He had never seen anything like it before, the infinite wisps of white moving across an infinite quilt of blue. He could smell the rich old parchment and cinnamon of the...sky? Skies did not generally, to Neil's knowledge, smell suspiciously like Todd Anderson. He felt his fingers trailing skin, instinctively searching for warmth. Soft, smooth, burning with a heat he could sink into. His hand travelled up across a surface of firm muscle, rubbing over the curves of the skin. He wanted it. The gap between him and the cinnamon-scented parchment was too large. He wasn't close enough to it. He wanted to sink into the sensations, feel them envelop him. Neil searched for more skin. Waist. Chest. Neck.

Neil opened his eyes.

His face was buried deep into the crook of Todd's neck. From there he could smell Todd, feel the blonde around him. Todd turned his head to better accommodate for his best friend's. Neil stroked upwards until his fingers reached the wispy hairs in front of Todd's ears. He toyed with the lobe of his ear gently, then brushed the long eyelashes that threatened to stir. He was so inexplicably happy in that tiny old room, bathed in sunlight and pressed against the boy who was undoubtedly his world. Time had stopped, he could forget his father's heavy footsteps approaching his room during the witching hours like an inevitable sickness working its way to his vital organs. He could forget the dismissive waves from his mother who, when she thought she was hidden from sight, began to shake uncontrollably. He hated them.

Neil didn't know how much longer he had, perhaps he should disentangle himself from Todd now to avoid embarrassing future scenarios. When he awoke what would he think? Would he be disgusted? Neil couldn't imagine Todd's lips strung into a tight grimace nor a contemptuous gleam in his eyes. He just didn't seem to be physically able to do those things. Neil wrapped his arms around Todd's waist and squeezed lightly, he wanted to do something, anything intimate to this boy. He wanted to touch more skin, feel more heat, hear more of his voice. Todd emitted a guttural groan in his sleep. Neil felt the vibration on his lips, which where pressed firmly to Todd's neck.

Shit.

If that's how things were going to go down, he wasn't sure if he'd have time to get intimate. It would all be over before it had even started. Neil made his final decision and began to unweave his limbs from Todd's. Reluctantly, he drank in a final breath of Todd and sat up. He couldn't feel his legs from underneath the blonde's but couldn't find it in himself to disentangle them for fear of waking the latter up. It was only when Neil was trying to move away from Todd that he realised how close they were. Even with his back pressed against the wall, the two boys were essentially muscle to muscle. The light that streamed in through the window illuminated Todd's hair and saturated his skin. He looked angelic in the light. An entity so bright wrapped in white blankets and the glow of the morning. Neil's skin felt hot wherever it made contact with Todd's, a festering burn that spread across his legs all the way up to his chest. He loved it. Neil jarred the sinking 'no this is very very wrong' feeling and tossed it from his immediate vicinity. He would grapple with the weird tightening of his skin and abnormal shallowness of his breath later. For now, he just wanted to watch Todd. His heart seemed to be repeatedly smashing itself against his ribs. Neil was surprised that it hadn't already awakened the sleeping boy.

It was early enough that no one else in the neighbouring rooms seemed to have woken up, but not early enough that Neil had sufficient time to watch Todd. He rarely had the opportunity to sleep for long, but last night had just been... cozy. That was a lie. He had been much much more than cozy. Neil felt rejuvenated, like the filth under his skin had finally been washed away, not scrubbed or clawed away like he had always tried, but rinsed with warm water. Warm, sweet, Todd-scented water. Neil brushed a strand of hair behind Todd's ear for it to only slip back onto his cheek.

His mind told him to stop. What he was doing was weird.

Neil made a conscious effort to keep his hands on the bed, away from Todd's mussed hair. He felt a trickle of shame.

He had never looked at Todd this close for such a prolonged period of time before. He looked a lot less timid when unconscious.

Todd shifted suddenly and hummed in his sleep. Neil noticed, much to his dismay, that they were now in a position that had the goods between Todd's legs pushed up his thigh. The former had chosen Neil's right leg to entangle with his own and had closed the space between said right leg and Todd's dick. They were now closer than ever and the heat was rising everywhere on Neil's body. He was immediately too aware of the way his skin felt too tight and how his breath hitched a little every time Todd would softly push his weight deeper into Neil's thigh. Todd was seeking warmth. He was breaching the minute gap that Neil had managed to make between them. Neil was not about to let that happen. See, his downstairs compartment was getting a little too excited at this point and he wasn't about to wake the little guy up too early in the morning.

Neil drew in a breath and, with all the cheerfulness he had accumulated over the past fifteen minutes, yelled, 'TIME TO WAKE UP ANDERSON.' Todd visibly jerked. Neil braced himself. Todd slowly retracted his face from where it was buried in the pillow, clearly displeased by the early-morning wake-up. Squinty-eyed and a dazed, it was not until he gazed down into his roommate's expectant face that Todd realised where he was.

'I-uh hi.' Todd drew back, blushing and confused, searching for bedding beneath him to clutch onto and pull himself further away.

The problem was, the bed was rather small and Todd was rather frantic. Before Neil could make a grab to catch him, his roommate had fallen to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter 
> 
> Is falling out of bed a normal thing? Am I an outlier for never having done so?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd is Angsty for a tiny bit

Todd thought that he should best stay there on the ground, staring at the beige ceiling. It would mean that he wouldn't have to look Neil in the eye ever again. He remembered what happened last night, how could he forget? But what Todd didn't know was how it happened. The very unfortunate (or rather, the very fortunate but embarrassing) chain of events that had occurred over the past 9 hours was sure to have made Neil feel uncomfortable by now. Neil. Neil. Neil. Todd cringed inwardly. His time had been filled with Neil and Neil alone. And he couldn't shake the craving for more. Last night had been warm and refreshing, an experience that Todd really wouldn't mind reliving if not for his stoic (but slightly shaken) morals. He forced it out of his mind. And then it pushed open the double doors and came swarming in again. Leg around leg, torso to torso, arms wrapped around each other like serpents. The night had smelt like spices and what he imagined the G major scale would smell like. The night had smelt like Neil. Neil. Neil. Neil. A blanket that covered every part of your body and left nothing to the cold. Todd cringed outwardly this time. Fuck. The only way to salvage their relationship now would be to stop whatever the hell it was that his brain was doing. Neil had probably already had enough. Neil was probably at his wits end with Todd's bizarre, repulsive behaviour. Why else had he yelled at Todd to wake up so early in the morning.

'Shit Todd what the fu-'

Todd inhaled. 'I'm sorry Neil. I really am'

He focused on the beige ceiling. Neil had gone silent.

'I-uh-are you ok Todd? That sounded painful.'

'Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine.' Todd rolled onto the side closest to his own bed. He wasn't about to look at Neil. He got to his feet and took the clothes and toiletries that his friend had so kindly brought back for him last night and turned to leave the room.

'I'm going to go take a shower. I'll be back.'

On his way to the bathroom he made a list.

1\. Neil Perry is arousing when he masturbates.

2\. Neil Perry thinks about some actress when he masturbates

3\. Neil Perry smells like the G major scale (he hadn't been sure what the aroma was before last night)

4\. Neil Perry is bad for Todd Anderson's health and sanity

5\. Neil Perry should not be subjected to Todd Anderson's stupid Neil Feelings

6\. Neil Perry and Todd Anderson's relationship is hanging by a thread.

Todd stood beneath the shower spray, suddenly feeling cold despite the water temperature.

Gradually, more and more boys began to stream in, but there was no Neil. Of course there was no Neil; he had taken a shower last night. But Todd couldn't shake the feeling that, somehow, his friend's absence was his fault. As he ran his fingers threw his hair, Todd found his mind wandering towards thoughts that were supposed to be locked away. Neil last night in the shower for example. Todd let his head rest on the cinder-block wall, unconsciously summoning a string of rather provocative images. He wondered if Neil knew this was how Todd had seen the whole 'masturbating in the shower' thing. He wondered if Neil knew how athletic and pale had looked that night, how the water running down his chest had glistened and shimmered.

But that night hadn't been for him.

That was Neil's night.

His actress's night.

Todd had intruded on a private practise. What he had previously thought came back to him in an embarrassing rain of bullets. It was not erotic, it was not their dirty little secret. Todd had fabricated that in his mind, it was mere fiction (he did not dare say fantasy).

The sounds of teenage voices and the slapping of feet grew around him. He had to stop now. Right now. Because at this point he was either going to end up punching a hole in the wall between his shower and Spaz's or have to jerk himself off right then a there.

When he returned to his room Neil was still getting ready. He was usually a fast dresser. His friend made a show of noticing Todd's entrance.

'Hey. That was pretty quick.'

'Yeah.'

Todd let his eyes follow the leg of his desk up to the wooden surface. He didn't know what was going on but he was sure there were red flags tucked somewhere under Neil's messy bedding. Neil seemed to be able to read the signs and cleared his throat a little, nervous.

'Uh, you go on. I have some stuff to do.'

Todd glanced over at his friend and his lips curled. A fake smile. He murmured something under his breath and turned to leave. Todd looked too big, like a giant that had to push against intruding pieces of furniture in order to make a path to the door, stumbling and disorientated. He was the elephant in the room.

Neil couldn't bring himself to say it, to talk about what he had been rehearsing for the past ten minutes. He had the script planned out, he was going to bring up what happened last night and this morning and then...and then what? Perhaps the script hadn't been perfected after all. He had omitted the the climax for god's sake. What was he going to say about The Thing? Todd had clearly been uncomfortable that morning. The thought alone in turn made Neil uncomfortable. Perhaps Todd had been sleep walking last night. No. He had been responsive. They had had a substantial conversation. He remembered it perfectly, the curve of his body beneath the thin blanket and how his voice had dropped dangerously low. 'Am I in them?' and then 'Is that someone else you?' What had he done wrong? Unless...had Todd been awake in the earlier hours of the morning? For the minutes that dwindled to what seemed like hours, when he was stealing time from his surroundings so that he could watch, hear, feel Todd for longer? Thinking back to it, it had been really really fucking creepy of him. Neil buried his face in his hands as soon as the door had clicked shut and groaned as soon as the footsteps had died away. He had fucked up bad. He was embarrassed and sorry and angry at himself.

Neil didn't doubt that he wanted this though. After turning it over in his head that morning, he had come to the conclusion that yes he was weird and very wrong, but he was going to go for it. What 'it' was he wasn't too sure of, but he was sure he'd figure it out along the way. He wanted to wake up next to Todd in the mornings and laugh with Todd in the afternoons and talk with Todd in the evenings. After the suicide scare that Neil had given everyone earlier in winter, his father had loosened his grip on his son's leash. Now he was just a speck in the distance, a thin wispy man that sat in his study and spent his free-time brooding. Neil couldn't bring himself to feel apologetic. His mother smiled too much but her cheeks and eye sockets were hollow. She didn't want to lose Neil after she had already had a taste. His friends were wary of him too, they nudged each other under the table and whispered every time Neil kept his mouth shut for too long. Mr Keating checked up on him regularly, he was always casual but Neil could feel the waves of anxiety beating against the shore underneath his skin. He caught Todd staring at him more than he usually did during class. He was worried too. But the difference with Todd was that he was quiet. When Neil lapsed into silence, Todd would lapse into silence with him. Perhaps it was just that he didn't know what to say, but the proximity between them usually took Neil's minds off whatever bad things he was thinking about. It made everything ok.

He knew what sodomy was. He knew that it was illegal. He didn't want to drag Todd down with him, but he did want an outlet, no matter how small it was.

Neil juggled with that thought for a few minutes, sitting on the edge of his bed and waiting for his body to move. He had begun to sweat a little.

Tod's legs felt heavy on his way to the dining hall.

He made sure to sit as far away from Neil as he could, but not so far that the other boys would pick up on his discomfort. That meant sitting on the same table. Facing him. Not what he was going for, admittedly. He had come down earlier than Neil so what else could he have done except choose a seat and hope Neil decided the 'I-want-to-avoid-you' feelings were mutual? He was sure they were. Perhaps he had had no other choice than that spot. That made sense of Todd. He felt an uncomfortable nudging in his stomach.

Charlie said something about Mr Nolan in a hushed voice, but Todd was too busy keeping his eyes on the wooden table to notice. That was, until he heard Neil's voice pipe up over the murmuring of the room. He could hear Neil bringing his hand to his mouth, he could hear it. Todd kept his eyes trained to his plate. He realised, all of a sudden, how saturated the colour of the toast was. How slimy it's texture was. Fuck it. He looked over at Neil, nervously fidgeting with his hands beneath the table. He hoped his shoulders weren't shaking with the furious twitching he was doing. Neil seemed to notice instantly. His head turned slightly and he made full eye contact with Todd for one, two, three seconds before Knox dragged his attention away with his impersonation of their geography teacher. It was only a few seconds, but Todd could've sworn he saw substance in his eyes. Pages worth of story and message. The only problem was the words may as well have been in Chinese. He saw a dusting of confusion and accusation, embarrassment in the glints of his eyes, the weird creases of desperation on his forehead and the unsure upturn of his mouth. He was fidgeting.

Todd aborted and turned his attention back to his meal.

He did a good job of avoiding Neil for the entire day, on Wednesday they only had English together. Keating didn't seem to care much for the change in dynamics between the two boys. Usually they would grin at each other after their teacher did something amusing. Today, Todd stayed facing the front and waited for the feeling of eyes on his back to subside.

He caught the embarrassed look on Neil's face right after the bell rang and felt his heart drop to his stomach like a rock. Who knew doing the right thing made you feel like such a jackass? Todd scrambled to collect his books and leave the room. The last thing he heard was Keating beckoning Neil over to his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not related but I love Draw With Jazza


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys hug it out pt 2

Neil carefully dragged his sweaty palms down his pant legs. He was feeling embarrassed, anxious, tired, a little angry. Still, he welcomed the sight of Keating's smile, a familiar street corner in an unfamiliar town. Neil could sense the increased wariness in his mouth. Neil knew that no one had meant to treat him differently after the incidents that occurred earlier in the year, but it showed as clear as a stain on a white shirt to him. It showed in the way Cameron never spared him a glance anymore, how Meek's smile would falter whenever he caught Neil staring out a window, how Todd would stay inside whenever it snowed. He had come to hate the snow. Neil had noticed the sudden hardening of his features and the rigidity of his posture whenever snow was mentioned to him, especially when Neil brought it up in conversation.

Keating smiled up at Neil as if his appearance had been a pleasant surprise and not at all the result of an order he had given.

'I hope you're doing alright today, Neil.' Keating sure did love his preamble.

'Yes sir. I'm doing fine thanks.'

The English teacher opened and closed his mouth twice before deciding on what to say next. It was a gesture so unlike him that it made Neil feel nervous.

'I just wanted to check if you were ok. You and Todd are usually on the same page as each other but he seemed rather…' Keating searched Neil's face for any sign of a reaction. He got nothing. Neil had trained his face to bear as much expression as a brick. '...distant today.' He finished.

Neil wanted to tell Keating everything in that moment, this man was giving him thechance to explain himself that he wanted, needed. He didn't want to feel like a flood in a cup anymore. But he stopped himself. No matter how progressive his English teacher was, there was no way that he was accept that his student was having these thoughts. Neil had refused to put a label on it. He preferred to leave the ideas as half formed desires. They were easier to accept that way.

'I'm fine, really. Todd and I just had a little-' now he had to label it, '-misunderstanding this morning. It was...it was nothing.'

Neil grinned reassuringly.

Keating wasn't buying it.

'Ok, Neil.' Keating set his jaw and searched Neil's face again.

Neil stayed a brick.

'If you say so. But you can always come and talk to me if you're feeling particularly lost, alright?' Keating sighed, realising that he would not be able to get another word out of his student.

The latter nodded and left the room, releasing the huge breath he had been holding as soon as he was in the corridor.

What he had to do now was apologise and hope that he would still be able to piece the shards that Todd's image of him had broken into. But what was he going to say? I'm sorry for hugging you? I'm sorry for loving every moment of it? And, if Todd had really been conscious, why had he pretended to be asleep? And what about the crotch-pressed-against-thigh ordeal? Neil growled under his breath, this was going to difficult. He was walking faster now, leaving the chatter of students around him in the distance and beelining his way to...to where exactly? A flustered-looking Todd underneath him answered that question. Apparently when Neil was deep in thought he liked to turn off his spatial awareness and disregard other human beings. He had rammed right into Todd and sent his books skidding across the floor before snapping out of it. They were both right in front of their dorm room.

'Holy shit Todd! Sorry, I was...I just wasn't thinking, or seeing for that matter. I-I should probably get off you.' Neil choked out, unsure of what to do with his hands.

Todd had turned his head to the side, exposing his neck to his roommate. He was a funny shade of red. So this is what it feels like, being on top of him, Neil mused. The thought travelled down to his pants and he knew it was time to move. Todd scrambled up the wall as soon as Neil's weight had been lifted from his body. His face felt like it had been scorched by the sun, or better yet held under running lava.

'N-no it's fine,' he managed, fully aware that Neil was standing over him and staring, not picking up his books like he had hoped.

Todd was suddenly aware of the pain at that back of his head, dull and throbbing. He winced. Neil seemed to notice it too. He placed a firm hand on Todd's shoulder so he could get a clearer view of the damage he had dealt. He saw nothing but Todd's mussed blonde hair and didn't dare touch his scalp to look for any sign of blood. He didn't want to scare Todd away already.

'There's nothing there. It could be a bump...I-I'm really really sorry about this.' Making amends didn't usually involve cracking open the other party's skull did it? 'If it starts hurting or-'

Todd shook his head and turned to look his roommate in the eye for the first time that day. It was a shy, curious look that Neil had missed from him.

'I'm serious, Neil.' Todd stopped himself from reaching up to touch the back of his head. 'I'm fine. It was nothing.'

'Ok.'

Todd pulled his lips into a small smile.

'Ok.' Neil repeated.

Suddenly remembering what it was he had come to do, Neil shook his head, clearing his mind of lingering fear.

'I think we need to talk about this morning Todd,' he forced out. 'I don't know if this is the best time but...it'll just have to do.'

The shy, curious smile left Todd's lips in an instant, Neil could practically see the dark clouds that passed over his face. Now Todd just looked plain nervous. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish and looked anywhere but at Neil.

'We d-don't -I don't- I can't-' Todd could hear alarms blaring in his mind. Everything except for the look on Neil's face had fallen out of focus and tipped. He was falling. He couldn't breathe. His toes felt like they were leaving the floor. He was a balloon without a hand to hold onto his string. Then there were hands on his biceps and brown eyes on his blue. They anchored him down and he could feel his feet on the floor again, Todd no longer felt like he was floating away.

'Hey hey, breathe.' The words washed over him like warm water. Todd's chest heaved with the effort it took to inhale, his head felt light and all he wanted to do was fall forward and smell the G major scale in the crook of Neil's neck again. This boycott was not treating him well.

Rhythm returned to Todd's breathing and he felt like he could think again. Neil led him into their dorm room, his textbooks forgotten in the deserted hallway, and sat them down on his bed.

'I want to say that it's ok if you don't want to talk about this,' began Neil, hoping that what he wanted to say would come out of his mouth the way he intended it to, 'but we really need to. I don't want you to keep dodging the situation and-' Neil knew where this was going and he didn't like it, '-running away.'

Todd stilled next to him, he could feel the hot tendrils of anger rising from the pit of his stomach. He wanted to shake Neil and remind him that he was the last person who should be lecturing him on running away, that he was doing this so Neil wouldn't be dragged down to hell with him. He clutched at the bedding, knuckles white.

'Yeah. Because you would know a lot about running away.' Todd spat.

Neil felt the words like a harpoon. 'That was low Todd.' He said in a quiet voice. It sounded too meek, too distant, to be his own. Neil felt his words flatten beneath the thick tension in the room.

'No. You wanted us to talk so now we're going to talk.' Todd was up on his feet and standing over Neil, his boiling rage pumping adrenaline through his veins. 'Do you know what happened after you decided to try and suddenly up and kill yourself? I was sleeping. I was in this bed in this dorm sleeping, feeling really small because you weren't here but telling myself that was ok because I guess Neil deserves a break after that amazing show he put on right? Charlie came in crying. They were all there. Everyone from the Dead Poets Soviety.' The familiar name struck a chord in Neil's chest. The Dead Poets Society had quietly disbanded after that night. No one talked about it anymore. 'I thought-' then Todd carded a hand through his hair and he shrunk down to the size of a child. He was small and vulnerable. 'I thought it was all a lie. A bad dream. I kept telling myself that Neil would be back the next night. Neil would be back with his huge stupid fucking grin and his huge stupid fucking personality.' Todd's breathing had become irregular again. 'Then we got out into the snow and I felt the biting cold on my...on my everywhere and it was so perfect but it shouldn't have been. The world should've split into two. I remember being so confused at how the snow could be so white at a time like this. I don't go out in the snow anymore. Have you noticed that?' Neil dared not answer Todd's rhetorical question. He watched his best friend's rigid, angry gestures instead. They spoke volumes. He had had no idea of what had happened that night. He couldn't tell whether to cover his ears with his palms or that he was glad he was finding out. 'Of course you have. Everyone has. I hate it.' Todd's breaths were raspy. The boy could feel himself breaking, but he pushed on with his monologue. He wanted Neil to feel the black hole he had fallen into just as vividly as he did. 'I ran and I ran and I ran and I could feel the wind and the snow on my face and the ice on my fingertips as I ran but I kept going. There was blood in my mouth and I couldn't feel my legs but I didn't stop. I did my want to believe you weren't dead. I don't remember whether I was trying to overwrite that pain with another or-or-' Todd tumbled to the ground. He looked exhausted and dazed. '-trying to find you.' His voice had lowered to a shaky whisper on the last word.

'I just kept running, Neil. I was fucking crazy. I think I passed out somewhere in the woods.'

Neil dropped to the floor in front of Todd, cautious fingers touching trembling biceps.

'I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.'

He brought his friend to his chest, unsure of whether Todd would accept the embrace.

'I almost froze to death. They found me and dragged me back. I almost died.'

Neil reached up to stroke Todd's back, feeling the hiccups that moved from the boy's stomach to his throat.

'This is all my fault I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.'

Neil squeezed tighter.

Todd pulled back to look his friend in the eye. Their foreheads touched.

'I guess we both like to run away.' The former breathed, drinking in their close proximity. He needed to savour the moment. Neil was still unstable as far as Todd was concerned and he wasn't about to let any moments that passed between them unrelished. The boycott had been a bad idea.

Neil squeezed his eyes shut and imagined Todd running through the white forest, submerged deeper and deeper in the sea of snow with each step he took, screaming and coughing and crying. The thought made his blood run cold and his head hurt. He hated it. He hated how he was the one who did it to Todd. He had never thought that what he did-what he tried to do- would have this effect on him. He never meant for it to. What had he been thinking on that night? The cold, the thorns, the silence, the darkness that he floated in, he was a tiny speck that would forever drift. Neil had just assumed that he could delete his existence, that the space he occupied would be filled by the others once he was removed. Like bacteria. Remove some and more would follow. There would be no gaps. It was all about him that night. Now he saw a spider's web. Now he saw that he was connected to the people and events that shaped his surroundings. He had a little bit of them in himself and they, him. They were like bombs, detonate one and those around it would go off too.

Neil cleared his throat. There was so much to clear up between them. 'I guess I just thought that-that my death would leave no dent.'

He paused, grappling for words.

'That nothing would stop and wait for me.'

It was Todd's turn to close his eyes. He swallowed and let out a breathy laugh. Neil felt it on his lips, it made him feel hot.

'Well we're still here. We've been waiting.' Todd murmured, grabbing at the front of Neil's shirt.

Neil leaned in a fraction, his eyes half lidded and his vision swimming.

'I've been waiting.'

Todd was too close. All Neil could see were his lips, parted slightly, as if expectant. All the heat rising in his body told him to lean in more, to abide by the magnetic pull of Todd. His lips were smooth, pink, beautiful. He wanted to taste the colour, flavour and pure heat from his mouth inside and out.

He wanted to kiss him.

Neil jolted backwards. He had just been about to-

What did he even call it?

-about to violate Todd.

He winced at the word.

He had come to clear up the situation not further complicate it.

Todd felt Neil's sudden movement and opened his eyes. He looked quizzically at Neil's distanced face and was about to say something when Charlie, in all his spontaneous glory, came bursting into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the neil-suicides-and-so-shouldn't-even-be-in-this-story plot hole has been filled. Also, Charlie!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of comic relief in the form of charlie and knox

Charlie's theatrical entrance saw to arms around shoulders and fists in shirts disentangling from each other in a flurry of movement. But the boy at the door didn't seem to notice. Instead, he looked purely frantic, horrified even.

'Is everything ok in here?' He seemed to be searching both boys for any sign of injury.

Neil was the first to recover, he had always been better at dealing with Charlie than Todd.

'We're fine Charlie. What's the matter with you? You look like you just saw Nolan in the shower.'

Charlie let out a melodramatic breath and leaned on the doorframe only to remember something suddenly and proceed to examine Neil. Everywhere. He was about to pull apart the buttons on Neil's poor school shirt when his hands were slapped away by the victim.

'Slow your roll down Charlie! Do you want to explain what's going on?' Neil clutched at the front of his shirt defensively and twirled away from the offender. Todd thought he looked rather funny. Charlie cast a wary glance at Todd, who was watching the comical events unfold before him silently, and said carefully: 'I was checking for bruises and stuff.'

When he didn't elaborate, Neil pressed him.

'Why exactly were you looking for bruises and stuff?'

'Because of...yanno…' Charlie nudged his head towards Todd. Todd gave him an offended look.

'You think Todd hurt me?' Neil crossed his arms, he wanted this conversation to move along quicker. Charlie was being a little too ambiguous for his taste.

'No. I think he gave you hickeys,' Charlie rolled his eyes, unaware of the effect his words had on the two boys. 'Of course I think he hurt you!'

Todd's offended frown had become embarrassed. He raised his hands to the back of his neck to cover some of the red he had turned, Todd was not in the mood to be a tomato. Neil just grinned nervously.

'I heard the shouting and stomping and thought it was about time,' Charlie carried on. 'I also thought you'd hit back a little or something,' he turned to Neil, 'but it just went silent.'

Todd searched Charlie's face for any sign of lunacy, but found none. Charlie looked like he had just opened the newspaper to an article about stocks. All evidence of his earlier burst-in had melted away. He was sane, Todd realised, and that made him more confused.

'You thought it was 'about time' that I punched Neil?' Todd shook his head, hiding the small smile on his lips.

Charlie contemplated the question for a bit.

'Well, yeah.'

'Hey!' Neil huffed. Charlie ignored him and continued.

'All of us did. We all thought that you'd combust if you didn't hurry up and hit something, and who better than the instigator?'

Todd nodded his head dumbly. So they had been keeping a close eye on not only Neil, but himself as well.

'I was running here thinking that you'd put Neil into a coma! I was taking it as a warning to not get into any fights with you.'

At that, both Todd and Neil laughed. Todd's voice was shaky, he hadn't realised how much lighter he felt now that he had let off some steam. Today had been a roller coaster for both of them.

'I was getting ready to have Knox go get the first aid kit from the office, but you guys were just hugging it out so that-' Charlie re-enacted a relieved expression '-took a weight off my chest.'

Todd buried his face in his knees. They had been caught after all. He couldn't bring himself to be shameful however, how could he when the warmth of Neil's body still lingered on his own and reminded him that Neil really was still here?

'And that brings us to me trying to strip our friend here down to check for flesh wounds.' Charlie looked overly proud of himself. Neil gave him a 'you're fucking dumb, you know that?' look.

'Well we found a better plan to resolve the matter than beating each other to a pulp. It's called talking,' Neil deadpanned.

Charlie sniffed indignantly. 'One's arguably just as effective as the other.'

Todd and Neil glanced across the room at each other. The latter shrugged a little, smiling.

'U-um. Well. Ok. Now that this is over we can all...not be suspicious of each other?' Todd suggested. He did not doubt that this exchange had been hilarious, but he knew there was underlying tension. He hoped it would dissipate.

'Yeah yeah.' Charlie sighed. Then he stopped as he was leaving. 'Knox wants to see you Todd, by the way. He said it was really urgent.' Charlie's eyes darted across the room.

O-ok.' Todd got to his feet and bid the boys a quick farewell before Charlie closed the door on him.

Neil eyed his flamboyant friend suspiciously.

'Yanno, you've been putting us under a lot of stress after that stunt you pulled, especially Todd.' Charlie hadn't turned around, but Neil knew that he had stopped grinning.

'I know...that's what Todd and I were-'

Charlie spun around then, quiet but determined.

'He's such an unassuming guy. I don't know if you've realised it but you've become a pillar for him, you and Keating. He's still trying to get where he needs to be character-wise.'

Neil hadn't realised.

'I think one day he won't need you there every step of the way but for now, if you leave you'll break him.'

Neil felt the familiar pang of guilt in his chest.

'Neil, I get it. You were under a lot of stress. I don't know what I would've done if I was you,' Charlie stopped a little, mining for the right words, 'but-but if you like us as much as we like you, you'll be less impulsive.'

'Charlie. I know. Todd and I were just talking about this. I felt- I always felt- so so small.' Neil thought of Todd again. Running through the snow, crying on the floor, sleeping in his bed. 'He convinced me it wasn't true.'

'Don't fucking break him.'

There was a pregnant pause then Charlie cracked a smile and Neil knew that the serious part of his lecture was over.

'I'm counting on you not to break my daughter's heart, mister.' Charlie growled, jabbing his finger into his friend's chest. Neil laughed and slapped his hand away. He could feel a blush creeping its way up his neck.

'I'm glad Knox managed to stall for long enough.' Charlie plonked himself onto Todd's bed.

Neil rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could. 'Of course you were lying to him.'

Charlie stuck his head up like an ostrich. 'Hey! What was I supposed to do? I just hope Knox is as good an actor as you.'

There was a pause.

'Hey Charlie.'

'Hmm?'

'When you said you heard Todd shouting, did you hear what he said? Exactly?'

Charlie made a groaning noise as he stretched the tiredness from his limbs.

'Yeah. I heard all of it. So did Cameron, but he pretended not to notice. If it was anyone else I'd be thinking of how polite they were, but because it's Cameron it automatically makes him more of an asshole. What an asshole am I right?

Neil ruffled his hair self-consciously. He didn't know if Charlie had gotten the message, he was usually a lot smarter than he let on.

'Right. Do you mind, uh, keeping what you heard to yourself? It was really personal. On both our parts.'

'Course Neil, who do you think I am? Cameron?' Charlie pushed himself up into a sitting position. He looked woozy and a little drunk with languidity. 'I should probably get going anyways. Asshole's probably going to start snooping if I don't hurry back.'

Neil sat alone in the room and, for the first time in the last fifteen minutes, allowed himself to think about his almost-kiss with Todd. He had kissed other people before, or rather they had kissed him. The first had been some no name who was a few years older than him, the second another no name who was his age. It had been gross, like kissing lukewarm meat on a hook. There hadn't been much to it both times, as soon as the other party realised his stoic unresponsiveness, she would draw back and act embarrassed. Or tease him. Both of them had been annoying. Why did he only attract the irritable ones? He remembered thinking that if this was what kissing was like, he wanted to live as far away from it as possible. But in that moment, on that floor, when time seemed to stop for the second time that day, all he had wanted to do was press his lips against Todd's. They had looked so inviting, hot, sweet. Neil imagined his breath ghosting over Todd's mouth, gently applying pressure to the nape of his neck and the boy's hitched breathing. Scrap that. He'd already have the living daylights punched out of him by then. Neil smiled melancholically to himself, he was going to get them thrown behind bars, or however the law dealt with homosexuals. He made a mental note to read into it when he had time. Neil ran his thumb over his chapped lips. Why in the world would Todd want to kiss this?

Speak of the devil.

The door clicked shut behind Todd. Neil managed to put his hands in what he hoped was a more natural position (it wasn't) before Todd noticed anything. The latter had an open expression, something Neil hadn't seen in the past few weeks. Neil was feeling rather open too. He hoped he looked it, he didn't want Todd feeling like he was the only one with boulders lifted off their shoulders. He liked Todd, a lot, if that hadn't been obvious already. Todd was the friend he would go to when shit hit the fan, when prickly arguments arose between Neil and other people. That wasn't about to change, despite the crying and betrayal and hurt. At least that's what Neil hoped. The organs inside him had seemed to bunch up when Todd had had his outburst. He couldn't believe what a fucking pathetic coward he was. He didn't want to have repelled Todd but wouldn't be surprised if he had.

Todd sat himself on his own bed, on the crinkled blankets that Charlie had previously been laying on, and faced Neil.

'I want to talk. I'm not going to avoid it anymore.'

Neil nodded, a little glossy eyed. It took him a while to process what had just been said to him. He was too busy staring at the bruise on Todd's shoulder that his dishevelled clothes revealed.

'Uh huh. But first can I ask something?'

'Sure, I guess.'

'What's that?' And why are you clothes like that? And why do you look so happy with yourself? And what have you been doing in the last 15 minutes?

And why was he so paranoid?

Neil swallowed the list of questions and leaned forward on his bed to point at the darkened skin. Todd looked taken aback.

'Oh this?' He pulled his shirt collar over the reddish bruise, a self conscious gesture, 'I think I got it earlier in PE. I got knocked over.' Todd shrugged.

'And-and why are your clothes like that?'

Todd looked down at himself as if he were looking down at a pet that had broken a vase. Then he started to chuckle.

'Oh Knox was being an idiot. He didn't let me come back to the room, I got suspicious and tried to leave and he tackled me to the ground.' Todd pulled a weird face. Neil thought it looked charming. 'Can you believe that Charlie was lying? Knox didn't have jack shit to say to me, he was doing his biology homework when I waltzed in.' Todd shook his head, eyes twinkling with mirth.

Neil let out the breath he didn't he was holding, he was inexplicably relieved.

Todd seemed to notice. With a cheeky grin he leaned forward and added: 'Why? What do think it looks like?'

Neil tittered in response.

There was a warm curling in the pit of Neil's stomach, the urge to grab hold of Todd's elbows and pull the boy into himself was overwhelming. Neil masked it all with a toothy grin and patted the spot next to him on the bed. It had taken about half an hour, but he they were finally ready to talk about that morning's predicaments. Neil could feel his body fill with helium when Todd complied.

Then his heart dropped like a test average after the school reports had already been written when he realised that they were finally ready to talk about that morning's predicaments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friends talk about friend things. Charlie's onto something. 
> 
> CLIFFHANGER THIS IS BAD
> 
> THIS IS THE END of the chapters I've already written. These were written a year ago and I'm not sure when I'll be back in front of my laptop for writing-for-leisure purposes. Being a student is hard work. 
> 
> I still haven't decided whether posting all these at the same time was a good idea haha
> 
> Obviously, this story is nowhere close to being done so hopefully I'll find it in myself to expand on the story of these boys somewhere down the road.
> 
> I'll be active (HOPEFULLY) on this account so leave some love if you want to chat (idk how stuff works on this website I'm New) xx
> 
> constructive criticism is very welcome btw


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